Feeling “In-Between”, Identity, and Mental Health
Working with 1st and 2nd immigrants and/or transracially adopted people, one topic that comes up often is identity and feeling in-between multiple worlds. How does this all affect your mental health?
Your brain taught you to look externally to find yourself, to look for answers, to know what is “right” and what is “wrong”. It makes sense, growing up you learn from what you are exposed to, and you want approval from those closest to you. However, it becomes challenging trying to fit into others’ definitions and values and that does not align with what you want to be or value. This is more manageable when you are younger. Most of us, have our life a little predetermined until our late teens or early twenties. We go to school, maybe work, repeat for a few years. In college/post high school you get more say in the direction of your life, so this is where you begin to question a bit more. You realize their is misalignment but you still feel stuck to those past definitions and values. You may even feel obligated to stay tied to them. This causes self-doubt, indecisiveness, and guilt.
As you grow into adulthood you have to push yourself to begin to see the choice you have in your life. You have to begin to rewire your brain to look inward for your answers rather than outward. The people you meet will have varying values and opinions, they may have influence on you but do not have the definitive answers to your life, you do. When you have a strong foundation within yourself the variance of the external will have less impact.
Without the internal foundation, your sense of self is in flux with your surroundings and this can cause feelings of anxiety and depression. It can drive you to question, worry, or over-analyze every decision. It can also cause doubt or regret of past decisions, feeling like you made “wrong” decisions. When you understand your needs, your values, your wants you feel more confident in your decisions and accept whatever might come with those decisions.
This journey starts with self-awareness. Start to notice yourself, notice what you care about, what you value, what brings you joy. Also notice what feels off, what makes you uncomfortable - physically, emotionally, and mentally. Our minds and our bodies can give us a lot of data about what feels good or off to us.
Step two is self-acceptance. You may find that your needs, wants, and values may not align with those around you or with your “past” self and that is okay. The more you can accept yourself the easier it is to work on the things you want to change or improve. Without acceptance you have to work on those feelings of guilt and shame before you can even start working on your life.
Finally, there is adapting. With a greater awareness of your needs and greater acceptance of your life you can being to adapt to this new information and understanding of yourself. For some this may be making changes in your life and for others it may be making changes to your perspective of your life. Either adaptation you make is going to be a choice you make for yourself. The goal is for you to begin see yourself as the expert and director of your life.
As you go through the Triple AAA’s - Awareness - Acceptance - Adaptation remember it is a life-long journey. Our values will continue to shift throughout our lives and that is okay. It will also take time to rewire our brains to look inward, we have spent decades looking outward, it will take months or even years to get used to a new perspective. Practice self-compassion, look to your support systems, and remember you are the expert of your life.